It was like I was drowning. Even when I was once again emerged above the water, I felt like I had been numbed and that I still couldn't breath or cry or scream. And that's when I finally realized I was broken.
I got out of the bathtub and stood, cold and confused. I was in his parents bathroom, letting the water roll down my legs. I can't even remember what was said at the moment, but I know that he said he was going to watch TV and I should join him when I had dried off. My world was a blur.
I stood motionless and confused and in the dim light of the on-suite in utter shock. Had this just happened? Had I just been raped? I went in the bathtub a virgin and came out broken.
I'm starting my story at the most pivotal point in my entire life. I was 17 and old enough to make my decision on who my virginity would go to, but I had never agreed too this. To this, DEFILING and kidnapping of any innocence I had left. I know that this doesn't make sense right now, but it will as I explain.
See, this had happened while dating my first boyfriend in 2013. Let's call him John. He was a few months younger than me and addicted to sexual activities. An undiagnosed nymphomaniac if you will. Something I didn't even realize until he raped me in the scene I just described. I will go into more detil with him in another video but I chose to start my story with this memory, because it's one of the most important ones that has lead to where I am now. In one of my darkest moments I found the truth I had not ever let myself see or accept before.
Now, lets start with my first memories. I'm going to do a general story about my life events and then I might focus on some parts to specify and clarify what I remember and how I felt.
I remember little to nothing of years before grade 5, but I am working hard on remembering more and more. Grade 2-6 is a little patchy, but I haven't tried remembering earlier than that much. I'm afraid of what I might find.
I remember going to elementary with a couple of friends, but I am not close to any of them. Elementary was uneventful as far as I remember, and I don't recall anything too bad or good about it, except the loss of a toy and that one time my daycare let us watch Monty Python's Holy Grail.
In Jr. High I had thirteen friends I hung out with nearly every day, who I could name by heart. They never got along well together but I tied them together using our differences. Again, I'll go into more detail later, but I'm just giving a general outline of my life so far to put everything in the correct order.
During grade 8 of Jr. High, while living with my step father and mum in 2010, I found out my biological father had died; about the time of the Vancouver Olympics. My father was someone I have no memory of since he left when I was 6 and I had no memory since before I was 11. When we went to his funeral I cried because a man was dead, but not because I missed him. I didn't know him, and I still don't know him, so I can't morn a memory I no longer have, but I did cry because I was sad I didn't ever get to know my own father. And for a day I hated him for never knowing me but I got over it. I found no point in crying over an unchangeable past.
It was about this time I actually realized that I had little to no memories of my past. I had never bothered to reminisce or remember a forgotten childhood before, but when I tried to remember him I learned that I didn't remember anything. I had pushed it aside when I went into the Pre-Advanced Program at school, when my step father came into my life, and when I played with my siblings. So, I spent the next year asking a lot of questions.
Then, in the summer of 2011, between grade 9 of Jr. High and grade 10 of High School, I was riddled with strange dreams that confused me more than frightened me. Within the first month of school the dream suddenly revealed itself as not a dream, but a memory, a horrific memory that changed my life forever, and that's when all my troubles began.
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