It started when Max brought John by for the first time to our groups corner of the school, announcing him as Max's best friend. As you might remember from the beginning, John was the one who raped me, but let's just store that in the back of our minds for a second because we haven't got there yet. This was before then. This was now 2012.
About then was when I decided to put my "Get Max To Love Me" plan into action. I laughed at all of Johns' jokes in that high-pitched fake laugh I'd always heard all the other girls laugh in when they were with a boy they desired. And, sure enough, he started to smile at me and began to talk to me directly. We exchanged numbers and talked again during class through text.
As I look at it now I realize how much I had planned to use the emotions of this boy. I had preemptively planned to manipulate his emotions to get Max to like me in what was, in my mind, a full-proof plan. I've never apologized to John about this, but if you're listening now John, know that I am sorry for the circumstances in which we met, and I have no valid reason to excuse what I did. It was my fault, and I am sorry.
Now, when I explain what happened, I don't want anyone to jump up and say "Well, he obviously deserved a heart break, seeing as how he treated you." Because that's wrong. No one should be used or lied to, no matter what mistakes they've made. Not even John.
I had felt ecstatic that same afternoon, when he texted me to meet him in the hall. I was so close to a cuddle from Max, but I'd also never been texted by a boy before either. It was new. It was exciting! I had just turned 16 and I just got my first text from a boy! The adrenaline was intoxicating.
I met him between classes on the same day I had met him, and he proposed a game of truth-or-dare across the street after school to get to know each other. There settled a small but thick strip of trees and bushes that was usually claimed by druggies and smokers and the occasional couple. I gladly accepted. This was the moment I thought that I would finally have insured that John would be part of my plan.
However, I had once overheard my therapist telling my mum that most girls in my position became prostitutes. Realizing this I made the decision that I would never do anything for money, and if that's what he wanted during this game I'd walk away.
Now, because you know John and I dated, I need you to know that throughout the year and a half we dated, he had never asked me to do anything for money. He never prostituted me or sold me but that doesn't mean I never felt owned or used.
However, in the bushes behind school that day, it was my first day ever giving a guy sexual satisfaction. It had never crossed my mind that someone I had met THAT DAY would dare me to be his first girl to give him a blow job, but I closed my eyes and did what I assumed I was supposed to do. I'd never watched porn before that point wither so just seeing his 'bit' was a shock! I was not sexually attracted to him, and I didn't want to do it, and the whole time I wanted to cry, but I wanted to bait him so I could get close to Max.
That, and I was a victim of my fathers rape. Therefore, the whole time I pushed myself because I was on a mission to never be weak again. To be stronger. To not back down and to not say no when challenged, but in forcing myself to endure and to "become stronger", I sealed my fate with an abusive nymphomaniac who saw the opportunity to get what he wanted, and who would not let me go.
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