It was one of the times that the other councilors had decided to leave me alone with Angel that I actually opened up to him. The day was over, the kids asleep across camp, and I was lonely, so I went to the lounge by the lake, and tried to just be a background figure in the group. However, I was quickly noticed and once Angel walked in they all made excuses to leave. When I tried to follow any of them they all said that they didn't want me there, or that they wanted to be alone. With nowhere else to go, because my cabin was being taken by Kelly and her friends, I finally just stayed with Angel. I gave up and sat beside him.
It was awkward at first, but he was always good at making me smile and making jokes. I was always good at pretending everything was okay so that's what I did, and soon we were both having a great time! There were some movies in the room and an old, cube TV with a VCR/DVD player hybrid, so we decided to watch a movie I believe was called Star Dust. I quite liked the movie. Since the lounge was in a different building from the one with the children, and the doors were locked so that only the councilors were aloud inside, we watched it loudly as it got later into the night.
He let me lay my head on his lap and, though I was alright at first, when I noticed what... I was doing instinctively as the credits began, I started to cry. I was never allowed to lay on John's lap without having to do one of his 'favors'. So, being so comfortable on the couch, I forgot who I was with and I touched him. Angel had never done anything like that and all I could think of was how I was just like John; stealing the innocence of another. I also felt bad, because even though John and I weren't together I felt like being so physical with someone else was wrong.
This is when Angel finally started to ask all the right questions, as if from a script my heart wrote and needed him to read. He was the first one to say, "No, how are you REALLY." He just asked me to tell him everything and I did. I was so desperate for hope, for someone to save me from myself. I sat on his lap in the fetal position and told him about everything, about my father, about John, and about how I felt and about everything that they did to me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks like a broken damn on a mountain top. It was exhausting to say all the things that kept me back, that set up a wall in my mind, and when I finished I was completely and utterly exhausted. Retrospect proves that at the time I was too involved in my own emotions to consider how it would have effected Angel, or how I could've completely doomed myself by being so open to denial. And if you ever read this Angel, I'm truly sorry for disregarding you. I just felt that at the time, I needed to be selfish and look out for myself because no one else would.
That night was a blur of tears and apologies as I cried into his chest, but he never rejected me or stopped what I was saying to ask any questions or to wonder when, why or how. He just waited and listened, and that's all I really needed. I never needed input or any recognition for my pain, I just needed to say it out loud so I couldn't ignore my thoughts anymore. And he did nothing, and that was everything to me.
Once I had a moment, he helped me crawl to the larger couch, and he lay behind me, arm around my waist, and the other stroking my hair. I curled up in front of him and bawled until I passed out.
It's how I learned that talking really was more important to my own survival than suppressing my feelings. It forces one to face reality. Which sucks but is so important because reality is the worst torture and the most rewarding.
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